Memories
by My-Panda-Ate-My-Homework
Summary: Feliciano Vargas has been alive for many years and has made memories, both good and bad. Feliciano reflects on the bad. Cirque du freak/Hetalia crossover, with a Vampire!Italy. Human/Fantasy AU TRIGGER WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, CHARACTER DEATH. Rated M just to be safe. A review would be greatly appreciated !


Feliciano remembered many things, which could be considered odd, as he was well over three hundred years old. Being a vampire had its perks, but of course good things must always have a darker side, right? He had watched those he loved grow old, and eventually perish. It had been especially hard when it came to his brother and Grandfather, who he had spent most of his human life with.

He had had to leave them when he first turned, being almost unable to stop himself from feeding on them, though he returned when he could contain the urge. By then, his grandfather had died, and his brother had aged by at least ten years. Oh how Feliciano got scolded by Lovino. He had welcomed him back with open arms, though, after he had gotten through yelling at his younger brother, and they lived together for the remainder of the elder's life. Of course, however, his life faded all too easily. Lovino died just before their fiftieth birthday.

That had been one of the worst days in his life. He lived on, even though he had no more family. He couldn't bear it, and so he almost took his own life in order to see them again. He would have succeeded too, if it hadn't been for Gabriel.

The man was truly a gift sent from the vampire gods, almost as if they were apologizing. Feliciano had accepted the apology fully, and spent every waking moment he could with Gabriel.

He was just like Feliciano, on the matter of species, and he knew what it felt like. He knew how terribly lonely it was, and he gave Feliciano his company, promising that he wouldn't leave, that he would stay with Feliciano forever.

But it didn't exist. The was no "forever", even for vampires, because, despite popular belief, vampires died, and they could die just as easily as humans. They could be shot, they could be stabbed, and they could perish because of it. Vampires were just a tad bit tougher.

Feliciano completely loathed himself for letting Gabriel die. He knew he could have done something, but he just watched as a hunter pulled the trigger and sent a bullet ramming straight through the blonde's head. He remembered crawling over to Gabriel as the hunter left, hugging him tightly, remembered being able to hear the faintest heartbeat imaginable, but it was there.

Thump... Thump... Thump...

Gabriel had still been alive at that point, and Feliciano remembered the other smiling at him, a hand reaching up slowly to gently cup his cheek, his soft, pained voice telling him to continue to keep a smile on his face, that a frown and tears didn't suit the Italian. That had been the last thing he had said, no more whispering to each other in the middle of the day, as they huddle together in the shade of a tomb, no more soft kisses and warm hugs. Feliciano was devastated. He didn't even have the courage to bury the dead vampire, though he knew he needed to. He stayed by Gabriel's corpse for several days, almost a week, shooing away any animals that wished to feed on the body, only moving away when the sun started to burn the back of his neck, trying to gather the strength to put him to rest.

He had finally done it at one point, though when, that was hazy.

Feliciano fled after that, leaving Europe for the America's. He left his home country, though he rechristened himself in memory of the place he had grown up, telling new people he met to simply call him "Italy".

The America's were wonderful, though Feliciano had to work really hard to learn English. He felt as if he could truly call the place his new home. He met many wonderful folk, including a man named Roderich, and his wife Elizabeta. The two of them had been kind enough to allow him entrance in their home for several years, though he had been forced to tell them the nature of his condition.

They had been completely unfazed by that fact that they were living with a blood-sucking creature of the night and treated him as if he were another human. Feliciano had enjoyed that, feeling as though he was human again.

Though, yet again, he didn't stay for very long. He set off west, heading toward the cool Pacific ocean. That had been a dream of his, ever since he was a young boy he had wanted to visit that specific ocean, having only known how the Atlantic ocean felt. He got there before too much time had passed, Feliciano thanked the gods for the ability to flit, and had marveled at the serene beauty of it.

He ended up living there, planning to spend the rest of his days there, where he could smell the salty ocean from a windowsill. He revisited an old passion of his, art, and made a living out of it, selling his mysterious, night paintings of the ocean. His buyers were often stunned by the detail, even though painting looked as though it had been painted in the middle of the night, which of course, it had, and paid top dollar to get their hands on the works.

It was happier, he was happier, his heart and head finally at peace. He loved it there. Absolutely loved it. Feliciano couldn't think of anywhere else better to be, so he stayed there, living in the same house for over two hundred years, which brought his story to the present.

He hadn't found another being to love, and he hoped not too, but he had found several new friends in a German man named Ludwig, his older brother Gilbert (Though Gilbert claimed that he was, in fact, "Prussian") and a young Japanese man named Kiku. They didn't know anything about Feliciano's... other side. Well, except for Ludwig. He had confronted the Italian about it a year after they met, following the way he turned down any invitations while the sun was up, the small vials of "wine" that he kept with him at all times. Ludwig had said he hated the way Feliciano had deceived him and his brother, that he hated _him._

It nearly tore Feliciano apart, you know, being told that by someone who so closely resembled the one he had loved many years before. He had choked down tears, begging the other for forgiveness, which was eventually given to him, however reluctantly.

But, as Feliciano learned, he had received it at a price. He found that out several years after that, when Ludwig confronted him a second time about his vampirism.

That was a memory Feliciano remembered well, for it had happened just the night before.

It was late, and the sun had set, allowing Feliciano to roam the beach he lived near and enjoy the scenery that never grew old. Ludwig had been waiting for him though, standing just outside his front door, but the Italian had greeted him enthusiastically just the same, not letting his mind wonder what he was doing there, instead just focusing on the fact that he was. They had strolled the beach together, listening to the small waves crash softly against the sand.

"Feliciano.." Ludwig had started,"I wanted to ask you something."

"Eh? What do you want to know?"

"Well... how old are you? I mean honestly."

"Hmm..." He had whispered, stopping to tap a finger to his chin,"I lost count at around... Two hundred and fifty, but I think I'm easily three hundred now." He laughed,"I don't look it, do I?"

"Mm... Feli. I have a favor to ask of you."

"Name it, Lud! And I'll do whatever I can to make it happen."

"Ah... Would you make me your assistant?"

Feliciano had had to do a double take at that. Ludwig, wishing to be his assistant? He smiled at the thought, but placed a hand on Ludwig's arm,"That, Ludwig, is something I will not do."

"Why not!?"

He looked out at the sea, refusing to look Ludwig in the eye,"You have no idea how lonely my life has been, Lud. I have seen so many people I care about die, right before my eyes. A vampire's life is one of the worst, for we out live many. We dislike befriending humans, because your lives are so much shorter than ours. I have lost my family, Ludwig. They died when I was still a cub. I never saw my Grandfather before he passed, after I had become what I am now, and I regret my decision every day of my life."

"If you hate being a vampire so much, why did you become one in the first place?"

"I was an idiot back then. Even more than I am now, if you can believe it. I wanted to be immortal, and I was willing to do whatever it took. Look at me now though, I'm not immortal, though I have lived for longer than any human. I will die one day. And I lost everything I had in the process. I had a brother, a twin. Think of Gilbert, you love him, yes?"

"Of course I do."

"Try imagining him dead. How do you feel? Sad? Multiply that by one hundred. Lovino wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend, and I had to watch him die. My love from long ago. He was a vampire, he is the reason why I'm still here right now. He was shot by a hunter. I watched that too. I could not move, could not scream, could not protect him, could not do anything! I watched as the hunter put a bullet in his skull. I couldn't bury him for at least a week, Ludwig. You think your life is bad? You worry about bills and jobs, mundane things such as those. I worry about what I would do if any of you met the same fate as those I've cared for before. Now, think long and hard, and see if you still wish to become like me."

He looked back at Ludwig then, and the German took a step back from him, but he held Feliciano's gaze, one that was steady, strong and wise, one that had endured many long years, but with a smile. He looked exhausted, as though he wished for nothing more than to sleep for an eternity.

"I'm sorry, Ludwig," He whispered,"But No is my final answer," He grinned, allowing his voice to raise back to its usual cheerful self,"Let's go see if big brother Antonio is up, though, ok? Or maybe Kiku~ I'm pretty sure he's awake right now, don't you think?"

Ludwig could do nothing but nod, and let Feliciano lead him off of the beach and back towards the small town they both inhabited.  
Feliciano remembered many things, yes, most of them being ones he wished he could forget, but the ones he's made in recent years? The happy ones from this age, and from long ago? He was keeping those fresh.

A/N: WOOOO! First story~ What'dya think? Did ya like it? Please leave a review below, and tell me what I could improve on! I'm not planning on extending this, but I may do another chapter, kind of like an omake? What do you think I should do? Anyways~ Ciao for now~ 


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